Introduction: Revision Piece

I chose to use the unit one essay assignment as my revision piece. This assignment required students to write an essay about what identity means and how it is formed. I felt that my first essay piece was not written well, and drifted off into a metaphoric nightmare; for example a partial sentence from the first paragraph, "Whether the scenery is blue skies and sunshine, or black clouds and rain...." I deleted this sentence and others like it, replacing them with more critically thought out sentences such as "Self awareness is the most likely force behind whether or not we choose to conform or break these molds" in it's place. Here is where I began a learning process, which is still ongoing, and is making me a better writer as we speak. I learned what a thesis was for the first time, and how imperative it is to an essay; for example placement, and whether or not it is arguable. I can go on and on about what I have learned, but I hope to instead show, in the revision of my original essay. I changed the organization in some paragraphs, and worked on developing stronger transitional sentences. I omitted page three, per the directions for the required length, and the “works sited page” was left in, to show how I learned to site sources correctly. The original essay precedes the revision, written in black.The revision follows, written in italic brown colored text.